Dilemma

by Athena
(Penn state)

I do not know if this is how all 18 year old would feel. In a single word "Trapped". Old enough to get out of bed and make my own breakfast and wear clothes I choose and think of my schedule, work, classes. But young enough to know why am I doing all this? Young enough to know what life is all about. I walk through places where I walk every single day, not that I am afraid of change but that little change I make, doesn’t really fits into the module I build or this mass hallucinating society has built for me. I open my books and learn differential calculus. I should admit, I am not enjoying learning it. But I can contemplate what that means. I can do those big sums with ease than others. Many find me intelligent, gifted and smart. I must be the only person in the world who would this that gift is actually a sin. And that it makes my life more miserable. I see people who are religious, go to church, go to temples or pray 5 times to the east. What I see in them is some sort of contentment, that they are not responsible for the rights and wrong. They tend to believe the supernatural being who created us can change the course of destiny as long as they are moral to rituals that they seek. If I was foolish enough to accept that, it would have been much easier to move on. I carry so much of guilt, so much of pain, so much of regrets, lies I have told and lies I tell people. Sometimes it almost seems like I am not honest to myself. I wonder if this is the case with everyone. We tend to make up our own pasts sometimes, our own imagination of problems. All I see from my fake stories are that, am striving for some kind of attention. May be because I need some kind of empathy. Some kind of mercy and I have no choice but to lie because it isn't gonna happen with the truth. Add spices. Make it either more painful or painless. So much that, the scenarios that I build up in my mind almost seem real to me. This is my tale of mental illness. I am not an honest person like I always wish I was. I am not that person. I don’t believe in those scenarios or lies so much that, I wonder if anything I feel is real. Am I even a person of an authentic soul? Am I just a bunch of thoughts put forth by everyone around me? Am I that judgement that the McDonalds guys throw at me whenever they see me? Am I even a real person?
I doubt myself so much now that I go to my therapist and I should recheck every time that I am not lying to her. I haven't. I know for sure. And I find that really nice of me. I did it.. Yehhhh :)
I am diagnosed of major depression. I'm on 30mg citalopram. It's hard. Life is too hard to live now. I have recurring suicidal thoughts. I haven't taken actions on those thoughts but they are so recurrent that it scares me. Finding a worth to live has become so hard. Once I was that women who put my head out of a car in cooling breeze and thought of how beautiful I would grow up to be adult. And here I am now. Every time I see a high school kid, I wanna tell them, growing up is such a heavy leaf to turn and it's so fucking hard. It is a very scary place to be. It is a very confusing stage of life. You know the chemicals in your body tempt you to passionate love, yet I hold no maturity to keep up with the companionship it requires later to stay in love. And on the other side my parents believe I am not old enough yet, but the government who has proclaimed me without my consent thinks am eligible to get married and have kids. Lol
Kids, I wish you have enough resources that can help you see through this opaqueness. I wish I can give a constructive environment and believe me, I do not want my kids growing up to what I feel at this age. Let them be confused, but never alone with this terrifying thoughts. Let them struggle to know what their passion is but not struggle with knowing if they should follow it once they know it. I want them out of the covers of social stigmas and mask that we put forth like that is natural. I don’t want them to grow with the opiates of masses. I never want them to question if age is only a number or sometimes it means more! I want them to be individuals who would perceive whatever they want to; make mistake; fall down; all the time, their mommy will take them in lap and pet them. Yet never stop living in the fear of making mistakes. Life becomes really hard when depression creeps through. You cannot control you mind and actions anymore. Slave to the evil voices that are none other than you. It’s a hard place. I wish I can come out and see sunshine but the fear of getting burnt never goes away. I am trying to take help. I wish you do too.